Friendsgiving 2017 : One of our traditions with our older children and friends.
Happy Thanksgiving to all the other Trauma Mamas out there. I hesitate to refer to us with that label, but it states a fact, and firmly believing that labeling items appropriately is the best way to create a plan of action, I stand by that. Repeated exposure to adverse childhood experiences has created trauma in our adoptees and foster children, and as many of us have discussed frequently, also often creates secondary trauma in caregivers, family members, teachers and parents who are in the trenches for a long time.
Let’s go ahead and take the lid off this can of worms. Happy holiday kick-off to the other TM’s and TD’s (the Dads get this, too). This isn’t a typically spoken festive greeting on your way out the door of the grocery store, but more like one you kind of whisper when you stand next to another soldier in the trench as a warning to refresh your supplies. You probably know, as I do, if you have done this hard parenting job for any length of time, that the holidays often kick off something else, too…an increase in the unregulated emotional response of these kids. This is the season when I often start considering my own ability to self-regulate, which has occasionally led to overindulgence on desserts, daily grazing, crying for no reason, exhaustion, and feeling sorry for myself. I am tempted to start down the road of “Remind me, why did we choose this?” This is a dead end road, people.
I don’t want to just survive it this year. What if when January rolled around, we sat at the table, no heavier than we were in October, and told each other, “That was the most meaningful holiday season we have ever had!”? The key to thriving, I believe, is to focus ourselves going in. Here are some things I am reminding myself of today:
1. I do this because I am equipped and called to do this by the Creator of the Universe, and the Creator of this innocent small person that was wrongfully and selfishly harmed by biological parents.
2. The Bible clearly tells us to care for and defend the orphan (James 1:27). And to love unconditionally. To have patience and to forgive. I need all of these things daily, and so do my kids.
3. This is a season. Any worrying about the future that I allow myself is not in alignment with God’s plan for my life. His grace is sufficient for today. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow He will provide (Matthew 6:25-27).
4. It is okay to rest. In fact, it is critical. It is okay to take a break and exit the parenting stage to refocus and regroup. It is critical to maintain a healthy and vibrant marriage and for us to be unified as we do this hardest job we have ever done. It is okay to share the pain and hardness with someone who gets it. Sharing it clinically is not that valuable to me. I need to look into the eyes of someone who has lived this “hard” and see that they “get” it. I don’t need anyone to fix it. It can’t be fixed. It can’t be magically repaired. I just need to know my people have my back in prayer and that they “know”. That “knowing” tells me I’m not alone, not crazy, not a terrible mom, and that I am valued (Matthew 11:28-30).
5. I am a holiday maker. I am a decorator. I have gotten great joy from these things since I was a child helping my grandma decorate the basement for our Christmas Eve dinner party. I will fight like crazy to hold onto these sources of joy for me, in spite of how much harder they are now to achieve. Incidentally, the Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Nothing zaps your strength like regular exposure to trauma. We clearly need this joy. And we need it to be sustained. He is the well where this is made available to me.
6. I have to be flexible. I have to think, as my sweet friend Bianca reminded me, of what my family can do now, the way we look now, to create new traditions. I want to take that a step farther and ask how we can hold onto those ones we value even if we have to frame them a little differently for a season. I can’t put those super special breakable ornaments on the tree in the family room right now, because in a fit of rage they make be punched from the tree, but I can enjoy the same storytelling and ceremony and then move them to the tree we have up in our bedroom. Some of our traditions we just can’t pull off with so little emotional regulation operating in some of our members, but I am resolved to keep working at them. Read Galatians 6 (MSG). The whole chapter.
7. I need to educate the people around me about this Lid Flipping dynamic. I have seen, without fail, that people want to help. People recognize that the heroin epidemic has created an entire population of hurting innocent bystanders, and with knowledge and direction, people will help. Take a few minutes to educate the people around your children this season about the brain and emotional regulation. This video is an excellent way to quickly get us all speaking the same language.
Dr Daniel Siegel presenting a Hand Model of the Brain
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw?rel=0&w=560&h=315]
6. Most importantly, this season is about gratitude, thankfulness, family, and the gift of Jesus to the world as a plan of redemption. Living in this hard place has made me more aware than I could have ever been from my narrow vantage point that the world needs redemption. I will focus on this, look to create ways to share it with Dan, my children, my family and my neighbors, and then pray for Love to cover a multitude of sin.
So let’s keep our lids on, and be emotionally available enough to help our people bring theirs back down. Let’s celebrate and find JOY in it, and pray that LOVE will do it’s perfect work in our people.